What does it mean to come 'back' to me?

I asked myself, 'what is it that you are feeling?'

Disconnection

It was an important question because suddenly I was seeing everything differently, and I had a new level of understanding around my own actions, my own decisions.  The fire of purpose was building in my belly and I was clear-headed.  If my day-to-day life experiences were compared to a day on the sea, I would say that I had left the choppy surface waters where I felt like I was flailing and fighting for every forward stroke and I was gliding with the currents under the surface.  Same water, same direction, different experience. Feelings of celebration began to spontaneously rise up within me.  Small things set them off... a beautiful sunset, a shared moment, a new experience... each leading me to open my eyes, listen with my heart and truly experience my life.  If I were a jet plane, there was no doubt in my mind that my pilot had taken me off 'auto-pilot'.

That is what I meant when I said I was able to come 'back' to me.  I reacquainted myself with my first 'love'.  She was everything I always imagined she could be. While I thought the time that had passed would keep us estranged forever, each time I walked the path back to her heart, she opened the door a little wider.

I am entering the place where we are in synch... like childhood friends... free and easy, a relationship filled with acceptance and love.  Now I understand, it was her voice I heard while I roamed the darkness, she was as lost and lonely as I was.  It is her joy that bubbles up from within me now.

For so many years, I had it so wrong. I berated her when she didn't measure up to what the world demanded. I ignored her pain to meet the demands of people around me, desperate to get from them, what I wouldn't give to myself. I asked her to wait, and promised her that her time would come, but I had stopped visiting because her sadness was more than I could bear.

Coming 'home' to myself has been the greatest gift.

What Brings Me Here...

If not now, when?

It struck me one day, as I was dragging myself around, and I felt like I was running on fumes that when I reflected on the way I spent each day, very few moments were reserved for what 'jazzed' me.  I was spending 99.8% of my life doing what I thought I should, or what someone else thought I should.

I'm 47 and the last 5 years (to be completely truthful, 10 years) have flown by faster than I could ever anticipate.  I see evidence of the passing time in my kids, and in my face, but in my heart and mind those years slipped by me and I can't even say where they went.  I think its time to stop saying 'one day' about the experiences I would love to build in my life and begin to take the steps that will make them happen... or I will be lying to myself.  If the next 10 or 20 years go by this quickly... my 'one day', will never come for me.

It's time that I stop putting things off for tomorrow, and that I begin to live for today.  This is my commitment this year.  I will be intentional about living.  I will take myself off 'autopilot' and be awake and alive each day for the next year.