What does it mean to come 'back' to me?

I asked myself, 'what is it that you are feeling?'

Disconnection

It was an important question because suddenly I was seeing everything differently, and I had a new level of understanding around my own actions, my own decisions.  The fire of purpose was building in my belly and I was clear-headed.  If my day-to-day life experiences were compared to a day on the sea, I would say that I had left the choppy surface waters where I felt like I was flailing and fighting for every forward stroke and I was gliding with the currents under the surface.  Same water, same direction, different experience. Feelings of celebration began to spontaneously rise up within me.  Small things set them off... a beautiful sunset, a shared moment, a new experience... each leading me to open my eyes, listen with my heart and truly experience my life.  If I were a jet plane, there was no doubt in my mind that my pilot had taken me off 'auto-pilot'.

That is what I meant when I said I was able to come 'back' to me.  I reacquainted myself with my first 'love'.  She was everything I always imagined she could be. While I thought the time that had passed would keep us estranged forever, each time I walked the path back to her heart, she opened the door a little wider.

I am entering the place where we are in synch... like childhood friends... free and easy, a relationship filled with acceptance and love.  Now I understand, it was her voice I heard while I roamed the darkness, she was as lost and lonely as I was.  It is her joy that bubbles up from within me now.

For so many years, I had it so wrong. I berated her when she didn't measure up to what the world demanded. I ignored her pain to meet the demands of people around me, desperate to get from them, what I wouldn't give to myself. I asked her to wait, and promised her that her time would come, but I had stopped visiting because her sadness was more than I could bear.

Coming 'home' to myself has been the greatest gift.